Setting Boundaries
Boundaries are a measure of self-esteem, essential to a healthy relationship and for your own self-respect, protection and life in general. They allow you to know where you stand with another person and are basically the line between where one person ends and the other begins. Allowing the other person to know how you like to be handled in a relationship.
Good personal boundaries protect you from anxiety/stress and help connect you with your true self. Boundaries are generally learned from the rituals of our family upbringing. They are based on your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, experiences, decisions, choices and your gut instinct.
If you don’t protect yourself or overprotect yourself and your own personal needs are not met, you may create some compulsive behaviours e.g., addictions, over/under eating, drinking, drugs etc.
By setting healthy boundaries you can take care of yourself, your needs, your feelings and then be more available to help others. However, you need to meet your own needs first.
Healthy boundaries are about knowing your own limits, why you need them, putting them in place and then maintaining them. It can be very challenging to set boundaries, especially if this is a new skill your learning.
You may need to set boundaries or firmer boundaries if you:
Are unable to say no
Are a people pleaser
Avoid close relationships
Find it difficult to make decisions
Feel responsible for others emotions
Worry about what others think
Take care of others needs but not your own
Feel anxious/stressed/fearful
Are overly sensitive to criticism
Do what others want rather than what you want
Are not sure what you feel
Take on too much
Try to fix and control others
How to set Effective Boundaries:
Know and be true to yourself. Know what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not, so you can identify your own limits. Honour your own needs, feelings, beliefs, choices, gut instincts and decisions, listen to them.
Decide what is important to you in your life. What are your values?
Be flexible don’t be too rigid. You are forever changing and therefore so will your boundaries.
Stop being self-critical. Accept yourself as you are now, you are enough. Change the inner critical voice to one that is supportive and positive. Perhaps pick a mentor or someone you know to be positive and imagine what they would say to you and how that would feel.
Accept the truth in what others say to you. However don’t take on their judgment or their feelings.
Practice empathy. Listen to what others say about how your behaviour impacts others.
Try not to make judgment. Have compassion for others, however don’t try to fix them.
Watch out for black and white thinking. There are shades of grey, always middle ground. If it’s hard to say no, say I’ll get back to you later and find that middle, more comfortable space.
Make yourself a priority. Give yourself permission to put yourself first, set and maintain your boundaries and then it’s easier to be present for others.
Give yourself permission to set boundaries. Guilt, fear and self-doubt interfere with you setting the necessary boundaries.
Say no to people who drain your energy. And yes to energising activities.
Pause and take a breath. Check in with yourself and your feelings, don’t act immediately, and take your time to make a decision.
If you find it difficult to set boundaries by yourself, ask for help. Ask a friend, colleague, counselor, coach. An accountability partner is great to keep you on track.
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Setting Boundaries
Boundaries are a measure of self-esteem
