Fiona’s Journey with Anorexia

Anorexia is an eating disorder that causes individuals to become obsessed about their weight, what they eat and how much eat and how much they exercise. It is a chronic condition that can last for years or a lifetime. It is characterised by a distorted body image and a real fear of being overweight.

Sufferers usually try to maintain a below-normal weight through starvation, too much exercise or both. My anorexia began at the age of 17 and it started after one comment that was made to me by a relative, about the size of my bottom! At the time I think I weight around about 44 kg, I had put some weight on over the last year, just part of growing up and hadn’t really thought I was fat (because I wasn’t). However, this one comment hit hard and from that moment I began to starve myself. To be fair there were also many other family dramas going on at the time and they had been present for the last 5 years too, however, I think this one comment was the straw that broke the camel back!

I survived on 2 Ryvita’s a day! For those of you who don’t know what these are they are a type of wholegrain cracker. I began to faint at school, I had no energy although I exercised every morning for an hour before school and an hour every evening before bed. I was in bed by 7.30pm due to my lack of energy.

My weight went down to 35 kg. I kept it hidden from my mum by wearing baggy clothing, plus she was too busy with her own life to notice me anyway. Looking back I think that was part of the problem. She was very controlling and this felt like it was the only thing that I had control of and nobody could take that away from me.

It wasn’t until I turn 19 and hadn’t had a period for 2 years that I spoke to my mum, not about my weight loss, just about not having my periods.  Off we went to the doctors and then to the hospital where the doctor proceeded to tell my mother I was very under-weight and she needed to make sure I ate more until I gained weight. He never once looked at me, spoke to me or asked if anything else was going on; as far as he was concerned, I was just a stupid teenager. And my mother’s answer to fixing the problem was to buy me a mars bar (chocolate bar) on the way home, that I had to eat on the bus! That was promptly brought back up later when my mum was in bed!

Bulimia had kicked in by now and I would starve myself during the week and binge at the weekends. I would rid myself of my excess food by vomiting or taking laxatives. What a roller-coaster! My weight was at around (41 kg), I managed to get through my A ‘levels and on to university. University was my escape from the dramas at home!

At university I had a few illnesses; weight related that took me to hospital. Not a great experience in the 80’s, they had no time for silly girls who starved themselves. There was no mental health care at all, as far as doctors were concerned it was self-inflicted and up to me alone to fix! Thank goodness times have changed and there are more facilities and assistance at hand for people to get the help and support they need.

By the age of 23 years I had finished university and started work. I was much happier in myself and I was away from the family issues that I now believe kept me stuck in the cycle of destruction. My weight was now (43 kg). I maintained this weight for a couple of years, I was eating better and exercising, but still haunted by my poor body image, I pretty much accepted that it would always be like this.

As the years went by and I found love and happiness I began to realise what may have truly been the issue. I never quite felt that I belonged in my family, I was so different from my parents and my sister, never felt connected and I was much more sensitive and emotionally connected than them. I was convinced that my mum would sit me down one day and tell me that I was adopted. Perhaps this relationship with food was a metaphor for something else, something that was lacking in my life and had been for years. I think I stifled my feelings, ignored them with the constant thought of food, I felt that I had no control in my life, university was the only escape. I’d felt empty, not particularly loved by my family and with all the family drama over the years I withdrew. I could see what my family were doing to each other, however they couldn’t and I was the youngest, such destruction. All I wanted was love and nurturing, to feel connected, to be able to express myself, but instead I had felt empty and alone. My constant hunger from not eating was nothing to do with food; it was all about not dealing with my emotions, my sadness, my loneliness and the conflict that had surrounded me in my family environment. I always took responsibility for my mum and others, too much responsibility, another way of ignoring my own issues.

I got rid of the weighing scales in the bathrooms before my two beautiful daughters reached teenage years and still to this day do not allow them in my house! I didn’t want my daughters to experience this lack of confidence, low self-esteem, and distorted body image that I had experienced. I wanted them to love themselves and their body’s, to be confident and strong. I have given them plenty of love, support and nurturing, and have taught them to be confident, loving and independent. However, I have to say my daughters could not help but notice over the years that the distorted body image still existed within me.

I am now a very healthy weight and yes I do still sometimes see a very different body in the mirror to the one that others see. However, I do not allow those negative thoughts to stay and I change them to positive thoughts and move forward. I have come to accept myself as a good, strong, healthy women who enjoys healthy food (and wine) and an active lifestyle. I now truly believe that  I am worthy of a happy, healthy life and so be it.

Fiona Pearson

Fiona’s journey with anorexia